Hi all,
On Feedback (Also, I Tell My Wife I Love Her Every Day)
Giving feedback is a foundational skill for leaders. People aren't mind readers, so despite our best efforts to communicate clearly, we need to give feedback to help course correct and clarify intentions. People are also subject to a whole host of cognitive biases that can make them blind to their own performance and behavior. External feedback is the only way to see through those biases. Finally, feedback is a tool for training your team to learn the right things to do. It raises their performance and frees your time to focus on other tasks.
If you want to learn about giving feedback, there are some phenomenal books on the topic. The good news is that they can be quickly summarized, which I'll do below. Once I've covered the basics, I'll share my own takes on how to use feedback to build psychological safety and high performing teams.
The Book Recommendations I absolutely recommend The One Minute Manager, How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen, and Radical Candor, in that order. The second on the list was a parenting book, but it's surprising how similar managing people can be to managing children. (As a bonus, I would add Never Split the Difference to get deep into acknowledging feelings.)
The One Minute Manager (but Faster)
The One Minute Manager boils down to three pieces of advice:
- Provide feedback when people are doing things right. (Because otherwise, how would they know?)
- Provide feedback when people are doing things wrong. (Because otherwise, how would they know?)
- Work together to ensure goals are clear.
There are nuances, of course. All the books tell you to be specific, timely, clear, and non-judgmental. They'll tell you to focus on behaviors and actions, rather than personal traits.
For example, "When you saw the need for a standardized process and took the initiative to create one for the team, that was great work" is good feedback because it refers to a specific behavior. "You're doing a good job" or "You're a good employee" are non-specific. At worst, non-specific feedback can be dismissed as inauthentic or disingenuous.
Giving feedback isn't necessarily intuitive. It can feel awkward at first, and it takes practice. Corrective feedback can feel scary or confrontational until you've had practice giving it. Eventually, you learn to offer it without judgment and embrace that it's the fastest way to improve. You'll also get better at giving feedback more frequently, which creates a virtuous cycle, as more frequent feedback is easier to give.
This is all good advice, and if there's a point to emphasize, it's the value of positive feedback. I think the need for corrective feedback is understood. After all, there's an issue that needs to be corrected.
But positive feedback doesn't come with the same urgency. My take is that it's because we expect our employees and colleagues to do a good job, so we only provide praise for exceptional work that stands out.
There's a classic joke: What do you call someone who graduates last in their class from med school? A doctor.
The point is that like doctors, we expect employees to be good.
Providing feedback when people are doing a good job reinforces positive behaviors, improves confidence, and raises morale. You need to catch people doing things right. I come back to my earlier parenthetical: Because otherwise, how would they know?
For instance, I once worked with an engineering tech lead who, unprompted, thought up a new technical approach that would enable a better customer experience. He took the initiative to share it with the team. This type of problem solving is squarely within the job description for a tech lead, but it doesn't mean it should go unrecognized. I gave him the positive feedback and said, "Understanding the customer problem and connecting the dots to enable new technology-driven solutions is exactly what we want senior engineers to do, and you're doing it. You're doing a good job. So thank you."
In my experience, people aren't used to hearing positive feedback like this. I've never failed to see it make the recipient smile or make them feel seen and appreciated. I can also guarantee that the tech lead felt more secure in his role and more willing to bring ideas forward in the future.
Taking it a Step Further: I Tell My Wife I Love Her Every Day
So I hope by now you understand that providing feedback, especially positive feedback, is important as a leader. I take it a step further, and the analogy that I use is that I tell my wife I love her every day.
Of course, spousal relationships are different than work relationships. But I think one of the most powerful things you can do for your team is to periodically tell them how you feel about working with them. If you enjoy working with them and want to continue working with them, say so.
Once, I told an employee that I valued working with her (and yes, included specifically why), and that I wanted to keep her. If there was anything she wanted or was interested in, I asked her to let me know, and I would try to help her, even if that meant finding a different role.
That message created the space and the perfect time for her to tell me she was pregnant. I was able to support her in her time off and her return to work, and we had the conversation early enough to plan properly.
So in my analogy, I'm not waiting for divorce papers from my wife, only to say, "But didn't you know I love you?" Instead, I show her and tell her all the time.
The work equivalent of divorce is an employee giving notice. If your response to notice is "Isn't there anything I can do to keep you?" you're about 3–6 months late on the question.
Summary
Like many management topics, "giving feedback" falls in the bucket of things that aren't necessarily intuitive. But, it is a skill that can be learned and practiced. So catch people doing things right and course correct when needed. Notice the small wins. Cheer the things that define your culture. Tell people when they're valued and why. It's habits like this that bring out the best in people and create great places to work.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Best regards,
Sam Feller aka THE Awkward Engineer